Put To The Sword

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 23, 2002

My girlfriend has an aggressive sense of humor. She teases and likes to parry put-downs. She says it is all in fun, and it is very important that she can joke with her partner. She thinks I am thin-skinned and overly sensitive.

Indeed I know I am sensitive, but this is a vicious circle which makes me more and more sensitive. No doubt this kind of dialogue is very common amongst some people. I witness it almost daily with friends or certain colleagues.

To me there are limits and obviously my limits are different than hers. I'm working on being less sensitive, but the only way to do that is to numb myself, which doesn't give her the participation she wants. She says she will try to do it less, but it always comes back.

I do not think she believes there is a problem on her side. She's said she wants this in a relationship, and if I can't handle it, maybe we aren't right for each other. Other parts of our relationship are great, but I don't understand why a clearly negative behavior is so important, especially for an intelligent person.

Albert

Albert, your girlfriend is good at swordplay, but she can't fence by herself. She wants you to play so she can feel good about herself. She has a fondness for something hurtful. That says more about her character than you realize.

There is a difference between humor and wit. Humor puts us in the same boat as the other person, while wit throws us out of the boat and into the water with the sharks. That is why humorists are often loved, while wits are often quoted but seldom loved.

Your girlfriend is a wit. She is not too thick-skinned to realize she hurts others. Most likely she simply doesn't care. Making you wince is part of her nature. Look for a girlfriend who wants to row the boat with you, not feed you to the fishes.

Tamara

Love And Money

I have been in a relationship for two years. Early on my boyfriend became angry about picking up the tab, even though I offered many times and he tued me down. We worked through that and I try to be aware of equality.

Recently we were driving to a party for a coworker. I also consider her a friend. My boyfriend drove, as he always tus down my invitation to drive. In route to the party he glanced down at me programming my mobile phone, and we heard a big bump. The car had hit something.

We could not determine what it was and thought perhaps he had scraped a mailbox close to the road. Later we realized that a deer hit the car. Two days later he was parked and someone backed into the other side of his car.

He took the car in and his insurance company is making him pay the deductible of $250. My dilemma is that he thinks I should pay half because we were going to my friend's party. I am appalled. What do you think?

Cammie

Cammie, when most people read "A Christmas Carol," they identify with someone who feels the joy of the season, like Bob Cratchit. Your boyfriend identifies with Ebenezer Scrooge.

In Dickens' tale, the Ghost of Christmas Past shows Scrooge how he lost his chance for love. Scrooge sees the woman who once promised herself to him saying, "Another idol has replaced me�a golden one." Your boyfriend's miserly approach to love may lead him to the same fate.

Driving carries a responsibility which cannot be assigned to another, and with a second accident, chances are your boyfriend would still be out the deductible. The measure of love is generosity, and yet there is a paradox. In a successful relationship each party should feel they receive more than they give.

Wayne

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

Resistance to Change

All of us are resistant to change, whether it's in using a different tool, a technique a choice in partners, or lifestyle.

The ones that resist the most have big labels like, orthodox, traditionalist, extremist. They are the defenders of the faith, of the known, and of the accepted.

Some of the rest of us are followers, disciples, and supporters; we are the middleman, the ones that support the orthodox, the traditionalist and the extremist because after all without us what would these people be defending. We are the ones the cast the deciding vote for this group and the next group which are the leaders, the explorers and the visionaries.

All of these people are grouped together on a small planet with intention, it didn't happen by accident. What we are doing is creating chaos, and what chaos does, is drive us to create order or make sense of what it is we are doing.

In my day job, I am paired up with all of these kinds of people every day in their homes and I may spend as long as two hours in conversation with them.

I always expend a few moments with them in casual talk before I move onto the reason for me being there. It often comes out that I am a writer and teacher. The reaction is always the same; they perk up as if in they are in the presence of someone famous. They will ask me if I have published any books and when I answer yes they are even more excited. Then they ask the more enlightening question, what do I write about? There are usually only two reactions to my answer. A sudden shift to the work at hand and why I am there in the first place, or they bring out their crosses and shove them in my face as a potential victim of a vampire would hold up the cross to the beast.

There are very few that are interested enough to ask me what it is all about, which fits into my own personal policy very nicely of not giving unless asked. I write and I teach because I have a desire to lea about the subject. This is the very small group that I am interested in. It is those that want to lea and are ready to be open to new ideas that would benefit mostly from what I know. But the real benefited, is my self.

Even in this small group, if one looks closely there is still something that each individual hangs onto dearly, even if it is only his or her name.

The root cause for this resistance is fear; it is the ego that fears for its extinction. As a race of physical beings with awareness of self, we have become very comfortable in the illusion of time and space. Because in ignorance we fear that we have very little of either, we move to protect our beliefs and move in slow deliberate steps, that may take a lifetime or several to move us from one step to the next.

I have heard it many times before as I am sure you have. "What if I am wrong," "what if I have lived my whole life believing something that is wrong?" "I can't start over now," it's too late!

This is an extreme fear that freezes us in time and the fear is unfounded only in that it is bo from ignorance or forgetfulness.

The one really big aspect of the notion of "unconditional love," which is "unconditional freedom," that I cherish the most is that I know we have this freedom to come back lifetime after lifetime to screw up our lives as many times as we desire until we have found the will to break open the paper chains that we have bound ourselves and move to the next step in our personal spiritual growth. Life does not end at the cross, the cross is a bridge to a new awareness and is only a symbol of limited thought, which all symbols are.

While I was in the kitchen just now making myself a cup of tea, I was reminded that this bid of enlightenment is meaningless, unless I give it some meaning. Spirituality or awareness is practical, you should be able to put a key into it and tu it on to work for you.

Using this knowledge I am reminded that each and every moing when I go into work and have to listen to the boss ramble on, I resist his thoughts and think that he is not living in the real world and assume that what I am experiencing in the field is the real world. I remind myself that his thoughts have merit and I rationalize that what I have been doing is working and I just don't want to try these things. I know that my productively would increase, I just don't want it to for various reasons. The biggest reason is fear of success; fear that with success, the lifestyle that I have become accustomed to will change. I will loose my identity and will not be able to relate to this new person that I will become. Ego always fears for its own existence and it does not want to be left behind.

Resistance is simply a slowing process, we all change whether we want to believe or like it. Resistance offers us time to adapt to new things and accept them and some of us move slower than others. Should one become aware of past and future lives, we are given reprieve from the urgency of change and resistance to it because we know that time does not exist and that we never loose our identity.

We will collectively experience everything that is, all probabilities will be explored, and the fear that we now harbour will pass as we become aware of our immortality.

The fact that all these different types of groups live together on the same planet brings chaos or movement to the planet which in tu brings change as we seek to bring order to our lives. Life is change, life cannot exist outside of change, and it is our differences that drive us forward to the next step in our evolution or awareness of that which we are. It is possible for us to be aware of change and move with it without experiencing this fear.

Resistance is something that works for us within the model that each of us has of our world and our relationship to it. Awareness breaks down resistance and moves us forward, and for each of us in our own good time.

Although I resist change myself in my physical life, spiritually I recognize that change is inevitable and I practice consideration for those that both live in the fear of change and for those that move on without me.

I understand that those that I bring into my life represent opportunities for change and I bring them to me deliberately for purpose of change. I also know that I will not always recognize them as such. I know that opportunity always knocks more than once and that I live in choice and freedom that is unconditionally mine by my very nature as a spiritual human being. This is one area that flows easily from me without all the resistance. Symbols of resistance are acknowledgements for me that I can relate to and move past from awareness of their existence, and they do not need to be changed or ignored, but simply noticed as I would notice a tu in my path or a pothole in the road.

Resistance may be a human condition, but it is also spiritual because that is what we are, and it has purpose.

Roy E. Klienwachter is a resident of British Columbia, Canada. A student of NLP, ordained minister, New Age Light Worker and Teacher. Roy has written and published five books on New Age wisdom. Roy's books are thought provoking and designed to empower you to take responsibility for your life and what you create. His books and articles are written in the simplicity and eloquence of Zen wisdom.

You may not always agree with what he has to say. You will always come away with a new perspective and your thinking will never be the same.

Roy's style is honest and comes straight from the heart without all the metaphorical mumble jumble and BS.

Visit Roy at: http://www.klienwachter.com

Mitigating Factors

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 30, 2002

I am writing for advice on a personal dilemma of the most personal nature. I am male, mid-40s, married 20 years.

After all these years, I still long to make love to my wife two or three times per week, while she seems to prefer two or three times per year, if ever. Best I can tell, she no longer enjoys making love whatsoever and hasn't for the last 10 years.

While all this seems dismal, the problem I am seeking advice on is more a moral issue. First, let me make sure you know that I have been faithful to my wife since the day I met her. I would never consider sex outside my marriage vows. That goes against every moral fiber of my being.

Additionally, poographic materials and gentlemen's clubs go against my beliefs and would only make matters worse. I will say after all these years I do understand why some men succumb to weakness and fall prey to sex outside their marriage.

Please do not tell me to have a meaningful conversation with my wife. I tried that and failed miserably. In February 2000, after years of trying to get through to her, I felt I couldn't take it anymore. I told her I long for the intimacy only a married couple can share.

She offered no reason, except she is always tired and has too much on her plate. While I acknowledge that she shoulders plenty of responsibility with work and home, she can find the time to walk the dogs or work herself to the bone on something that can wait until tomorrow.

I pleaded with her to get whatever physical, medical, emotional or psychological help she might need to get our marriage back on track. I offered to attend any sessions she felt comfortable with me participating in.

I offered to do anything in our lovemaking that would make it more enjoyable for her. I told her I would not pressure her into making love, but would wait for her to let me know when she was ready.

For four weeks things improved as we made love three times. However, she never sought outside help and began to fall into her old comfortable habits. Over the next 17 months we made love only another six times with most coming at my insistence.

I finally gave up keeping track and gave up on her caring enough to change. Short of divorce, how do I relieve my sexual tension without compromising my beliefs and myself?

Marshall

Marshall, rules make sense in context. One rule most people believe in is "Thou shalt not kill." However, if you must kill a man to defend your wife and children, most people would say you haven't violated the rule.

If a robber breaks into your home, collects your valuables and asks if you have anymore money, most people would say it is okay to lie. Why? Because rules only make sense in context. Otherwise the person with the lower standard always gets to win.

From society's point of view, marriage is the best possible context for sexuality to be expressed. Marriage attaches sex to love and a caring, committed relationship, and two people are present to raise the children.

You don't believe in divorce, yet you have contemplated adultery. Why? Because something which belongs in your marriage is not there. "Keep thee only unto him" absolutely means don't cheat, but it does not mean "Don't let him have it either."

Your wife will not honestly tell you what is on her mind, and you have suggested every possible solution. As a result, you are estranged from the person you should be most closely bonded to.

It is time to apply your ideas about marriage and divorce to your current specific situation and decide what is right. Rules only make sense in context.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

Perspectives and Attitudes Teachers Can Fly

Last fall I went to visit my mother in Arizona. It was October, but the weather still favored those of us who like early moing coffees on outdoor patios. Mom has two hummingbird feeders on the patio, and to my delight, last year the speedy �mini�s� found their way to her home.

I confess, I sat on that patio for hours every day watching the doves, and especially the hummingbirds. They were my teachers.

As fast as a Ferrari may be, we humans have not yet captured the fierce mobility and speed of the hummingbird. Did you know that they flap their wings an average of 53 flaps per second? Their little hearts can beat up to 1260 beats per minute. Scientists believe they live 4-5 years, but have found some alive after 12 years.

They seemed to be nervous little creatures. They moved so quickly, so consistently, that even while they ate, they often kept on flapping! .

I found myself feeling irritated with my fast and furious friends. Why couldn�t they slow down? Why did them seem so suspicious of anything and everyone? Why didn�t they relax long enough to eat?

As the days went by and I allowed myself to relax, I noticed it was my own behavior that irritated me the most. Why did I have to be in such a flurry all the time? What made me think that a few moments to sit down and share a meal with others or myself would break the bank? Why must my life move at such a breakneck speed that people could hear the �hum� of my engines when I entered the room?

Several months have passed, and I am still thinking of my feathered teachers. In their own habitat what they do, and how they live, makes sense. But for me, I need to slow down. Life is too fleeting, to magical, to illusive to spend every day hurrying to my next activity.

Be aware of your own teachers � they are appointed as personal tutors. They appear in unusual clothing and often annoy us. You may find yourself angry with them, broken-hearted by them, pushed, or punished by them. They can accuse you, abuse you, or desert you. Sometimes they are your best friends, lovers, or �over-the-backyard-fence� neighbors. You can be either inspired or infuriated in their presence. Rarely will they announce they are your teacher, nor are they often �paid� what they deserve.

Sometimes, if you are lucky, they visit you in the park, the pond, the nest, the zoo, the forest, the sky, or the water.

You never know when to expect them, but they are easy to spot. When you sense yourself reacting to a situation or a person, either kindly or with agitation, there is your clue: you are back in class. If you are lucky like me, your teachers may hibeate or travel south for the winter. Do you think there might be a SAT test we could take and be done with it already?

My best advice; make peace with your teachers. Raise your hand before you speak, do the assignments, accept the corrections. And don�t forget the power of the apple!

Copyright 2006 Harmony Thiessen

Harmony Thiessen is an inspirational speaker and teacher. She has entertained and informed audiences around the world for over 20 years. With a keen sense of observation and curiosity, Harmony tus everyday events into timeless applications. You can receive her free monthly subscription to Jelly Beans For Life at http://www.smartmarketingsense.com/jellybeans.html Harmony is available for speaking engagements and weekly or monthly columns.

The Author Within You

I always had an active imagination when I was young. I hated school, and would pass the time away day- dreaming about things I should not even have known about at such a young age. I used to make up stories in my head, that would always have me as the centre of attention, like collecting an Oscar for a Hollywood film that I had starred in, or recovering from a major operation or accident. I think I was like this because I was a shy kid who lacked a lot of confidence. It was no different when I started work. Those long boring days stuck in an office with bitchy overweight girls with no meaning to their life apart from bingo on a Friday night and watching Eastenders with their doubly overweight boyfriends. I always dreamed about writing a book or acting. When I realised that I was far to old to be dreaming such girly things such as acting, I decided that I would become famous for my imagination instead. I decided to write a book. I thought about it long and hard. What do I write about? What era will it be set in? What will be the background basis for the book? Who would want to read a book from the likes of a person like me? I always liked reading about the Second World War. I had a morbid fascination surrounding the rise of Hitler and the Holocaust. Don�t get me wrong, I am by no means a Nazi, and I totally disagree with the treatment and atrocities he handed out to the poor Jews. Nether the less it did interest me, so after much pondering, I decided to write a story about the Holocaust. I based it on a young Jewish girl growing up in occupied Poland during the Nazi invasion. I never believed for one minute that it would be published, but after submitting my manuscript to quite a few online publishers, I finally got accepted. I could not believe that little old me would become a successful writer. My book is due for release on 3rd March 2005 and is for sale at most leading bookstores, including my publishers www.publishamerica.com , you see anybody can write, but it takes confidence and you have to believe in yourself. I never did for so many years. I t was only my Husband telling me how good my story was that I decided to give it a go, and believe me I am just a regular girl with no silver spoon in her mouth, I just plucked up the courage to do something to change my life for the better. The moral of my humble little story is, don�t let doubt and the lack of confidence hold you back. Give it go, for you never know where your courage may lead you.
You can view my book at www.unionjaxbooks.com

About the Author

Leanda Wood has written many short stories over the years, and has just had her first novel "There Are No Children Here" published. Excerpts from her book can be found at www.unionjaxbooks.com